Married Life

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. — Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. — Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where’s the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman

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