Married Life
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill Cosby
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. — Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. — Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where’s the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman