Funny Chris Rock Quotes
“A man is only as faithful as his options.”
“Much like rock ‘n’ roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites.”
“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.”
“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.”
“We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!”
“It’s hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can’t run that fast.”
“Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn’t pay for the electricity, he’d pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.”
“Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, ‘I was at Kevin’s house!’ A woman lie is like, ‘It’s your baby!’”
“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.”
“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.”
“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a f*****’ window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane!’”
“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.”
“Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.”
“George Bush hates midgets.”
“I ain’t shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war’s over, I’ll be the faggot with two legs.”
“I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.”
“I`m a nerd. I`m a little guy…the last guy you`d expect in a romantic movie.”
“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you’re up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
“Women would rule the world – if only they`d stop bitchin` about each other.”