A new Priest and Vodka

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

  • Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
  • There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  • There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  • Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  • Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  • We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  • The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
  • David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shi  t out of him.
  • When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
  • We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
  • When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it, for it is my body.”  He did not say “Eat me”.
  • The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
  • The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
  • Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s.

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