*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
*You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
*You sleep with your eyes open
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward
*You lick your coffee pot clean
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
*You can jump-start your car without cables
*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
*You don’t sweat, you percolate

Jerry’s the best. He always gets the best guests on his show. Intelligent and sophisticated members of our society.

I love women with the pear shaped bodies and I think that’s what makes a woman beautiful .

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I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that
inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)

There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)

I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever
laid eyes upon.)

My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole
night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

I’ve got a boyfriend (who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and
Jerry’s).

I don’t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you
were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)

It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s not me, it’s you.)

I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling
as my job is better than dating you.)

I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)

Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s
that male perspective thing)

Seven wise men whose knowledge so, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with chisel and hammer, he gave a hole. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, using red velvet, he lined within.
Forth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, Threw in a fish, he gave it the smell.
Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, Touched and blessed it, and said it could pee.
Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, He sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt!!!

A recent poll of South African women asked the question:
Would you sleep with Zuma? 94 percent responded "Never again!"