A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They’ll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn’t it?"P
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn’t know you were into earrings."
"Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"
Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ”The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.’"
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt w/the ape.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about
to tear the bars down.
The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him
you have a headache.”