A young girl comes home to her mother’s house and informs her that she is engaged to be married.
She says, “Mother, he’s wonderful. He’s rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane.

There is only one problem….he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that”

The mother says, “Well I don’t know dear. I’m only thinking of your happiness. I’m not sure a man like this will make you happy”.

The daughter replies, “Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live.”

The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.

They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.

Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.

“Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It’s constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it’s as big as a silver dollar!”

The mother considers this for a minute and says, “I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?”

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, “Your butt’s getting huge. I bet it’s bigger than the barbecue.”

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt.

“I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!”

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

She replied, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.

After engagement!
Girl:
Now stop looking at girls,you are committed now!

Boy:
Oho what do u mean,
if  I’m on diet,
that doesn’t mean that i can’t look at MENU .

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said:
"Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour.
She should be in my custody".
The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in
your defence?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly
rose.

"Your Honour, if I put a Rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, Whose Coke is it, the machines’ or mine?"

 
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife…

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me.
He´s impotent, he says,and he wants me to be the first to know.
Why doesn’t´t he tell me something I don´t know!
I mean, he actually thinks I haven´t noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble.
A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson´s Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened!
There´s a new drug on the market that will fix his ´problem´.
It´s called Viagra.
I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night.
I think this will work.
I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn´t life wonderful but it´s difficult to write while he´s doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head.
No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I´d like a Whopper.
He thought they were talking about him.
But, have to admit it´s very nice – I don´t think I´ve ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend.
Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
I´m also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write.
He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it.
I´m hiding.
I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he´s washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do?
I feel tacky all over….

Day 11
I´m basically being screwed to death.
It´s like living with a Black and Decker drill.
I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.
Even my armpits hurt.
He´s a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay.
I´ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me!
Even yawning has become dangerous…

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there´s a sneak attack!
It´s like going to bed with a scud missile.
I can hardly walk and if he tries that
"Oops, sorry"
thing again, I´ll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I´ve done everything to turn him off.
Nothing is working.
I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny.
Help me!

Day 15
I think I´ll have to kill him.
I´m starting to stick to everything I sit on.
The cat and dog won´t go near him and our friends don´t come over any more.
Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches.
I hope the bloody thing explodes.
I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference…Christ!
Here he comes again!

Day 18
He´s back on Prozac.
The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.

What absolute bliss!

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"