When you are dating.. Farting is never an issue.

When you are married .You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating.. He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married .He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating.. He holds your hand in public.

When you are married .He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating.. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.

When you are married .A King size bed feels like an army cot.

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

He is the man*

One evening a husband and wife were in bed. The husband was reading a book,

and the wife was watching TV.   The husband reaches over and puts his hand

in his wife’s panties then withdraws his hand.

The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the

mood for a little love.   A short time later the husband again reaches into

his wife’s panties

then withdraws his hand.

Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is “in the mood.”

She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure.

Sure enough, the husband repeats *the move.*

She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for what she  is sure will be her husband’s amorous advances.

Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, “Dear, I’m all ready!” The husband asks, “For what?”

She says, “Well, for sex, dear! You’ve fingered me three times in the  last

5 minutes, and now I’m ready!”

The husband replies, “Huh? Sex?? I was just wetting my fingers so I  could turn the pages…”

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We ‘ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewellery Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don ‘t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.’
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," The cop said "did
Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and
handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year
tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop
and said, "Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse, not on top"

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, “June.”
“Yes, this is June.”
“Will you marry me?”
“Of course I will! Who’s this?”

A   Man is sitting in a Bus when a Gorgeous Woman Next to him starts

Breastfeeding her Baby. The Baby won’t take it, so she playfully says’

Come

on, eat it all up or I’ll give it to this Nice Man”.

15 Minutes later the Baby still won’t Breastfeed so she says again

”Come

on Darling, Eat it all up or I’ll give it to this Nice Man!”

To Which?  the Man Replies ”Listen Lady, could you make up your mind, I should have gotten off 6 bus stops Ago”