That awkward moment when you start telling a story and realize no one’s listening so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.
A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on
her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who
arrived minutes later.
In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce
Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What’s
going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog
clamps his teeth on the gorilla’s balls." The woman nodded and was surprised
when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use Contine reading
The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation
The Mike Tyson Charm School
The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service
The Saddam Hussein Military Academy
The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics
The Don King Barber College
The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course
The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy.
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!” “Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.” “How much do you charge?” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “I’ll think Contine reading
Q: What’s the difference between Batman and a black man?
A: Batman can go out at night without Robin.
Q: What’s the difference between a catfish and an Italian woman?
A: One has whiskers and smells bad, and the other is a fish.
Q: What’s the difference between white and black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales start with, "Once upon a time…"
Black fairy tales start with, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain’t gonna
believe this shit!"
Q: Why did the Puerto Rican trade his wife for a garbage can?
A: Because the garbage can had a smaller hole, and it smelled better.
Hey, at least you have some privacy.
What’s the future hold in store for your hangover tomorrow?
If it’s your Birthday today, what’s the future hold in store for your hangover tomorrow?
ARIES : Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk I as good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
#1 America has the highest incarceration rate and the largest total prison population in the entire world by a good margin.
#2 There are more car thefts in the United States than anywhere else in the world by far.
#3 Of all the major industrialized nations, America is the most obese. Mexico is #2.
#4 The average American drinks more than 600 sodas a year – the most in the world.
#5 U.S. corporations sell more fast food and more soda than anyone else in the world by a wide margin.
#6 Nobody watches more television per week (28 hours) than Americans do. Although to be honest, people living in the UK are tied with us.