Jack: Where were you born?
Julius : South Africa …
Jack: Which part?
Julius : What ‘which part’? The whole body was born in South Africa .
Julius and his friend were fixing a bomb in a car:
Friend: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing?
Julius : Don’t worry, I have one more. Read more…
Julius enters Spar Supermarket to buy himself orange juice and sugar.
He paid for the orange juice and walked out with the sugar under his arm, unpaid.
At the door he was arrested and locked up.
During the court hearing, the judge asked him why he paid for the juice only and stole the sugar?
He replied "Auw, VOETSEK man, I do not steal. At the back of the juice bottle is said:
SUGAR FREE! You think I am stupid or what, ha"
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”
“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”
A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“lacomputadora”), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; Read more…
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?"
"You’ll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"
Here’s a list of 6 craziest lies married men tell their mistresses, which in fact means something else.
- I don’t love my wife.
We are going through a hard time and I will soon be separating. That’s a LIE. Men don’t advertise leaving home to the other woman. If they are really in a bad relationship, most of them just find a place to go and leave. This is the type of conversation they have with their wives, but this is the line where they get you hooked, because you do believe that this is going to happen. Warning: Don’t believe it. If he means it, wait until he actually does it and then start dating him.
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.
She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy ‘I’m gonna eat your pussy today!"
"I didn’t do anything over the weekend.."
Lie. This translates into "I got drunk and had lots of sex that I regret having now that I’m sober, but I’d rather not sound like a slut, so I’ll give you the false impression that I live a modest life sitting at home and reading over my weekends, so you’ll have to find out what I really did from people talking behind my back." This is probably closer to the truth than most people think. And don’t mail me some politically correct rant saying "well not every girl is like that blah blah blah…" I know that not every girl is like that. Nobody cares.
"I’ve never had sex before…"
Lie. Unless you ignore all those times I’ve been felt up on dates, performed and received oral, fooled around with other girls, etc etc etc. Why do girls lie about this? It doesn’t have to be coitus for it to be sex. Sex is sex. Quit trying to give people the false impression that you’re innocent and pure. Just tell the truth. If you’re embarassed about it and regret doing it, then you probably shouldn’t have done it in the first place. At the very least, you could respect yourself by telling the truth.
"I’ve only kissed one guy…" Read more…
George Bush’s 50 worst bloopers
1. “The problem with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur.”
2. “If you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”
3. “Justice ought to be fair.”
4. “If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow.”
5. “Reading is the basics for all learning.”
6. “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
7. “The important question is, how many hands have I shaked?”
8. “September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It’s a day I will never forget.”
9. “Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
10. “I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office.” Read more…