A drunken man phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.

“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel,the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, “This is crazy, I could go to jail for this,” so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, “It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go.”

So the man told the officer, “Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back.” The officer looked at the man and said, “Have a nice day.”

· Man says to priest: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I usually look at pictures of naked girls and dirty pics of them on my blackberry. The priest replies: Forward your sins to me here’s my bbm(blackberry chat app) pin.

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58,
68, and 78?
At 8 — You  take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 — You  tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 — You  don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 — She  tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 — She  tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 — You  stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 — If  you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
At 78 — What  story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to
live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching
them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not
commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a
white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his
people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black
woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man
who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what’s
going on here!"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken.
What you have here is a natural occurrence – what is called an
albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep,
and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on
occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you
don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about
the white baby."

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of Mental Health)
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can’t fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there’s nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can’t even fix such a simple problem… no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver…"
Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre.
Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that!
The driver was very impressed and asked "You’re so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

Patient replied: "Heellooo, I stay here because
I’m crazy not STUPID!"

Question: “What would you like to drink … fruit juice, soda, tea, milo, chocolate, or coffee?”
Answer: “Tea please”
Question: Ceylon tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, ice tea or green tea?”
Answer: ” Ceylon tea please”
Question: “How would you like it? Black or white?”
Answer: “White please”
Question: “Milk, whitener, or condensed milk?” Answer: “Milk please”
Question: “Goat milk, camel milk or cow milk?”
Answer: “Cow milk please.”
Question: “Milk from Freeze land or Afrikaner cow?”
Answer : ” Afrikaner cow please.”
Question: ” Warm or cold?”
Answer: “Warm please.”
Question: “Full cream, low fat or fat free?”
Answer: “Umm … I’ll rather take it black please.”
Question: “Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?” Answer: “With sugar please.”
Question: “Beet sugar or cane sugar?”
Answer: “Cane sugar please.”
Question: “White, brown or yellow sugar?”
Answer: “Just forget about the tea. I’ll have a glass of water instead please.”
Question: “Mineral or still water?”
Answer: “Mineral water please.”
Question: “Flavoured or non-flavoured?”
Answer: “Hey f**k man! Just get me water from the river… I don’t want to know which river, and stop asking me too many questions.!

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, ‘Hello. How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.’

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
‘This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?’

‘You have to spell a word,’ Saint Peter told her.
‘Which word?’ the woman asked.
‘Love.’

The woman correctly spelled ‘Love’ and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman
and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

‘I’m surprised to see you,’ the woman said. ‘How have you been?’
‘Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,’ her husband told her. ‘I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?’

‘You have to spell a word,’ the woman told him.
‘Which word?’ her husband asked.
‘Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis’, she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis (45 letters).Now you’ve learned a new word.