A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to
live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching
them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not
commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a
white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his
people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black
woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man
who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what’s
going on here!"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken.
What you have here is a natural occurrence – what is called an
albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep,
and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on
occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you
don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about
the white baby."

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of Mental Health)
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can’t fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there’s nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can’t even fix such a simple problem… no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver…"
Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre.
Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that!
The driver was very impressed and asked "You’re so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

Patient replied: "Heellooo, I stay here because
I’m crazy not STUPID!"

Question: “What would you like to drink … fruit juice, soda, tea, milo, chocolate, or coffee?”
Answer: “Tea please”
Question: Ceylon tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, ice tea or green tea?”
Answer: ” Ceylon tea please”
Question: “How would you like it? Black or white?”
Answer: “White please”
Question: “Milk, whitener, or condensed milk?” Answer: “Milk please”
Question: “Goat milk, camel milk or cow milk?”
Answer: “Cow milk please.”
Question: “Milk from Freeze land or Afrikaner cow?”
Answer : ” Afrikaner cow please.”
Question: ” Warm or cold?”
Answer: “Warm please.”
Question: “Full cream, low fat or fat free?”
Answer: “Umm … I’ll rather take it black please.”
Question: “Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?” Answer: “With sugar please.”
Question: “Beet sugar or cane sugar?”
Answer: “Cane sugar please.”
Question: “White, brown or yellow sugar?”
Answer: “Just forget about the tea. I’ll have a glass of water instead please.”
Question: “Mineral or still water?”
Answer: “Mineral water please.”
Question: “Flavoured or non-flavoured?”
Answer: “Hey f**k man! Just get me water from the river… I don’t want to know which river, and stop asking me too many questions.!

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, ‘Hello. How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.’

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
‘This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?’

‘You have to spell a word,’ Saint Peter told her.
‘Which word?’ the woman asked.
‘Love.’

The woman correctly spelled ‘Love’ and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman
and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

‘I’m surprised to see you,’ the woman said. ‘How have you been?’
‘Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,’ her husband told her. ‘I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?’

‘You have to spell a word,’ the woman told him.
‘Which word?’ her husband asked.
‘Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis’, she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis (45 letters).Now you’ve learned a new word.

You gave a lift to a beautiful girl
she fainted inside your car & u took her to the hospital.
Now that’s stressful, but at the hospital the Doc said she is pregnant &
congratulated u that you’re going to be a father You denied, but the
girl
said you are.
This is getting very stressful
To prove Your not the father , you requested for a DNA test. After the
tests, the doctor said you are Sterile and can’t impregnate a woman.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
But On your way home, you suddenly remembered you left 3 kids at home…
Who the Hell is their father.
NOW THAT’S STRESS!

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW…WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?!?!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ”What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of Fire in

the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist

and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,

picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don’t move, I’ll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps

into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don’t move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was

even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,
"Don’t move, I’ll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She’s not my wife,
She’s not my wife,
She’s not my wife"

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

 
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,’ I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

The driver says, ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ‘

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly,
dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls,

‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your
seat belt, sir.

That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

‘Only when he’s been drinking.!!’