Cool, I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.

How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!

You must be very experienced.

Remember, you said this was a freebie…right?

Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don’t fall in.

I got to take off my watch, wouldn’t want to lose it.

Why do you wear a bra when you’ve already got a belt.

Would you mind rolling around in this flour.

I heard carpenters dream about you.

So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

Look….I can get my whole arm in.

It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

Is that an optical illusion?

If I look right at it I feel like I’m falling in.

Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

Do you mind if I wear one too…in case yours falls off?

Jeez…What ya got up there, dead fish?

I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

I’ve been wondering all night what that smell was.

Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.

You know they have surgery to fix that.

Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

Oh, that’s why they call it a Wonder bra, it makes those lines go away.

Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.

I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.

You’re not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

You’re not ‘that’ fat.

I see why everyone said, with you, it’s better with the lights out.

Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

That’s it?

Wow – look at all the hair on your back!

Maybe you should start going to the gym more.

That was fine, dear…pass me my vibrator?

Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?

Wake me when it’s over, ok?

I think the condom’s too big.

Zzzzzz….

You want me to what?!?

Well, that explains the padded pants.

Did you take out the garbage yet?

My husband’s in the Marines.

He’s due home any day now.

Is that a toupee?

So THAT’S what your ex warned me about!

No.

Surgery might be able to help.

Not until you’ve showered.

That must be my mother on the phone.

Your brother’s bigger.

Your best friend’s better.

Are you done yet?

Wow! Look at the size of your…..beer gut!

Size doesn’t REALLY matter, dear.

You might want to see a doctor about that.

Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

Women Joke 1
Why do women have smaller feet than men? – It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

Women Joke 2
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? – She starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

Women Joke 3
How do you fix a woman’s watch? – It doesn’t matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Women Joke 4
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? – The dog. He ll shut up once you let him in.

Women Joke 5
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? – A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

Women Joke 6
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months! – I don’t like to interrupt her.

Women Joke 7
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by up to 90%. – It’s called wedding cake.

Women Joke 8
My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” – I said, “Dust!”

Women Joke 9
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. – Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Women Joke 10
Why do men die before their wives? – They want to.

Women Joke 11
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading “Wife Wanted.” – The next day he received a hundred letters saying “You can have mine.”

HE: I’m a photographer I’ve been looking for a face like yours!

SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHE: No, I’d like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry! I’m having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why, don’t you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?

SHE: I’ve already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?

There are three (3) types of women according to men’s perspective.
1. HOUSEWIFE’S
Advantages
* She stays home and takes care of kids and household chores.
* She is always good in bed because she is never tired.
* Will always cook a good meal (NO MacDonald)

Disadvantages
* you will never know what she does when you are at work.
* She behaves like your mother when you come home late.
* She bitches when you watch TV too long.
* You can’t play your music loud.

2. PROFESSIONAL / MILLENNIUM / WORKING – LADIES
Advantages
* SHE DOES NOT NEED YOUR MONEY.
* She can lend you her car (latest model BMW/Volvo), u can boast to your
friends that u have a connected chick!! Pssst!!!
—You can even date other women with her car!!!
* She has a credit and petrol card for u when u r down and out.

Disadvantages
* She is generally BAD IN BED. Its either she is too tired or doesn’t
just feel like it (…and u wonder why we keep more than one of those at
a time)
* you’ll have take-away for dinner 6 times a week (AT LEAST!!)
* She thinks she owns you; more than your mother does sometimes.
* She hates your friends; u can’t even go to the stadium once a month.
* She always tells you to get a better job, car, house etc. (the list
goes on, COZ SHE MOST LIKELY EARNS MORE THAN YOU DO!!!)
* You won’t have a life with this one. They have no respect; they will
insult you / your mother in English and French nogal.

* 3. GOLD DIGGERS (generally referred to as Weekend Accessories)
Advantages
* VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY GOOD IN BED (Holy Benjamin – Lord have mercy!!!Wow!!!!).
* She is sexy isn’t she? DAMN!!!
*To Make Matters Worse (Easy)She does Not Even Wear A Panty, You Got The Experience Mos!!!

Disadvantages
* She makes sure she leaves you penniless. (Airtime, lay-bye, dry clean,
cosmetics)…and then spends the money on her "real"
boyfriend
* She tells you she is on a pill, but she is pregnant within 3 months of
the relationship, Beware Maintenance Court is in your don’t
Forget Z3(Aids).
* SHE makes you go to the matric dance !!!!
*When ever there’s a misunderstanding, she’s quick to say you’re using
her. (but it’s quite the opposite)

Two women are chatting in the office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked for an hour. When we came home, he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards, talked for an hour. It was like a fairy-tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill, so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour and when we got home, remembered there was no electricity, so I had to light bloody candles all over the house! I was so angry, that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Put yourself in the teacher’s position and think about what  You would say after hearing this.

In a second grade class, a little girl asks,

Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?

How old is your mother, dear? asks the teacher.

Forty. she replies.

Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.

The little girl then asks, Can my big sister get pregnant?

Well, dear, how old is your sister?

The little girl answers, Nineteen.

Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.

The little girl then asks, Can I get pregnant?

How old are you, dear?

The little girl answers, I’m seven years old.

No, dear, you can’t get pregnant…

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,

See, I told you we had nothing to worry! about.

The teacher fainted