When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor’s office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I’ll do anything you suggest."

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"

To which the undergraduate cooed, "Yes, anything you say."

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"

The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."

The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don’t you attend that."

The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, “No use knocking, there’s no paper in this one either.”

Dear Twilight fans
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said:
"Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour.
She should be in my custody".
The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in
your defence?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly
rose.

"Your Honour, if I put a Rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, Whose Coke is it, the machines’ or mine?"

1. Men are like ……..Laxatives ……. They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like …….. Bananas …… The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like …….. Weather ….. Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like …….. Blenders ….. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ……. Chocolate Bars …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ……. Commercials …… You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like …….. Department Stores ….. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like …….. Government Bonds ….. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ……. Mascara…… They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ……. Popcorn . ….. They sa! tisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms ………….. You never know when they’re coming,
how many inchesyou’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ……..Lava Lamps ….. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like …….. Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.