The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, “No use knocking, there’s no paper in this one either.”

Dear Twilight fans
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said:
"Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour.
She should be in my custody".
The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in
your defence?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly
rose.

"Your Honour, if I put a Rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, Whose Coke is it, the machines’ or mine?"

1. Men are like ……..Laxatives ……. They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like …….. Bananas …… The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like …….. Weather ….. Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like …….. Blenders ….. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ……. Chocolate Bars …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ……. Commercials …… You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like …….. Department Stores ….. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like …….. Government Bonds ….. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ……. Mascara…… They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ……. Popcorn . ….. They sa! tisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms ………….. You never know when they’re coming,
how many inchesyou’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ……..Lava Lamps ….. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like …….. Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband’s home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine ."No, I will never do that, never in a million years."                                                                                                    
"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!
"And what are you here for?" enquired the mother-in-law.

"AS FOR ME, I’M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!"

Nice one, enjoy!
A man and his wife receive a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:
My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..
The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"
"Oh, that’s him I have on my back."

Our Father Mugabe,

who art in Harare ,
how bad is your name that it can be hated in all corners of the world?
Thy kingdom is no more,
Give us this day our poll results
& 4give us 4 voting you out
as we 4give u 4 trying to rig the votes.
Lead us not into stoning u, but deliver us from your policies.
4 thy is da cruelty, da poverty and da shame.

Amen