Anniversary present but she got de keys f**k.

You gave a lift to a beautiful girl
she fainted inside your car & u took her to the hospital.
Now that’s stressful, but at the hospital the Doc said she is pregnant &
congratulated u that you’re going to be a father You denied, but the
girl
said you are.
This is getting very stressful
To prove Your not the father , you requested for a DNA test. After the
tests, the doctor said you are Sterile and can’t impregnate a woman.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
But On your way home, you suddenly remembered you left 3 kids at home…
Who the Hell is their father.
NOW THAT’S STRESS!

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW…WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?!?!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ”What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of Fire in

the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist

and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,

picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don’t move, I’ll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps

into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don’t move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was

even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,
"Don’t move, I’ll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She’s not my wife,
She’s not my wife,
She’s not my wife"

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

 
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,’ I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

The driver says, ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ‘

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly,
dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls,

‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your
seat belt, sir.

That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

‘Only when he’s been drinking.!!’

A farmer who’s been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you’re claiming damages for the injuries you’re supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that’s right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, ‘I’ve never felt better in my life.’ Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer’s counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"