A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,’ I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

The driver says, ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ‘

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly,
dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls,

‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your
seat belt, sir.

That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

‘Only when he’s been drinking.!!’

OMG!! It’s just HILARIOUS!! He’s like thinking OMG! What the hell is this f**king thing???

A farmer who’s been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you’re claiming damages for the injuries you’re supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that’s right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, ‘I’ve never felt better in my life.’ Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer’s counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

Wife: Who was that on the phone?
Husband: Wrong number. some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked weather the coast was clear…

The difference in the way men and women choose their underwear